Did you ever notice that when you put the words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “THEIRS.”
Q: Ever wonder why the IRS calls it Form 1040?
A: Because for every $50 that you earn, you get $10 and they get $40.
After reading a nursery rhyme to his child, the tax accountant said, “No son, it would not be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep but I like how you think.”
A doctor, a tax lawyer, a little boy and a rabbi were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot the plane started to go down. The pilot grabbed a parachute and then he yelled to the passengers that they had better bail out and jump. Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one parachute and said, “I am a doctor, I save lives so I must live.” The doctor then jumped out of the plane leaving two remaining parachutes for three people left on the plane. The tax lawyer grabbed a parachute and said, “I am the smartest man in the world and I save people money so I deserve to live!” He grabbed a parachute and jumped leaving one remaining parachute for the little boy and the rabbi.
The rabbi looked at the little boy and said, “My son, I have lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace.” The little boy handed the parachute to the rabbi and said, “Do not worry, rabbi! The smartest man in the world just took off with my backpack.”
An estate and trust lawyer was reading the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will: “To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times as well as good, I leave the house and two million dollars.” The lawyer continued, “To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and one million dollars.” The lawyer concluded, “And to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought that I would never mention him in my will, well, you are wrong. “Hi, Dan!”
A CEO was interviewing job applicants for the lead role in a financial division of a large company. He knew he needed to devise a test for choosing the most suitable candidate. He asked each applicant this question, “What is two plus two?” The first interviewee was a government auditor. His answer was “Twenty-two.” He then asked the second interviewee who happened to have an engineering background. He pulled out a slide rule and came up with the answer, “Somewhere between 3.999 and 4.001.” The next interview was an attorney who stated, “In the case of Jenkins vs IRS, two plus two was proven to be four.” Finally, the businessman interviewed a tax accountant and he asked him for the answer to two plus two. The accountant go up from his chair, walked over to the door, closed it, came back and sat down next to him. The tax accountant leaned across the desk and said, “How much do you want it to be?”
A clerk walks into the boss’ office and says, “The auditors have just left, sir.” The boss then asks the clerk, “Have they finished checking the books?” “Very thoroughly,” the clerk replied. “Well, what did they say?” said the boss. The clerk replied, “They want 15% to keep quiet.”
“I just taught my kids taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.” – Conan O’Brien
“The U. S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified but it was difficult to tell.” – Craig Ferguson
What’s the difference between death and taxes? Congress does not meet every year to make death worse.
“The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin." – Mark Twain
“65% of people say that cheating on your income tax is worse than cheating on your spouse. The other 35% were women.” – Jay Leno
A mugger stops a guy on the street at gunpoint. “Give me all your money,” he says. The muggee is indignant and yells at the mugger, “You cannot do this because I am an IRS Agent.” “In that case,” says the mugger, “give me all MY money!”
A tax accountant and a lawyer were laying on a beach in Hawaii sipping Mai Tai’s. The lawyer started telling the tax accountant how he came to be in Hawaii. The lawyer said, “I had this downtown property in Memphis that caught fire and after the insurance paid off I moved here.” The tax accountant said, “I had a downtown property in Miami that got flooded and I moved here with the insurance proceeds.” The lawyer took another sip of his Mai Tai and then asked in a low voice, “How do you start a flood?”
Did you know that 10 out of 9 accountants cannot count?
Regis Philbin is back in primetime, hosting 11 new episodes of “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.” But because of the President’s new tax plan, it has been re-titled to “Who Wants to Win Just Under $250,000.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Today the IRS gave some guidelines on how to avoid getting audited. Number one, do not list deductions that will raise a red flag. Number two, make sure that you file on time. Number three, do not make any stupid anti-war speech at the Academy Awards.” – Jay Leno
When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as psychopaths, and then the rest of us.” – Jimmy Kimmel
The client went to the tax preparer and said, “I filed my taxes electronically to speed things up and it worked. I got an audit letter in half the normal time.”